Donna’s Story

When and where were you born? What kind of childhood did you have?

Born in Crosshill, Ontario population approx. 100. When I was 6 we moved to Millbank, population approx. 250. It has since grown to about 500. Childhood would appear to be idyllic. I was an only child of elderly parents with only a bachelor uncle and two spinster aunts as relatives. Each and every one of them doted on me – and I learned to manipulate them all at a very early age. We had a small 2 room school and the majority of the students were of the Amish Mennonite Faith and came to class by horse and buggy or sleigh from the surrounding farms. They were not allowed to come home with me as we had hydro, but I was always welcome at their homes. This was a very peaceful upbringing, but isolation and ignorance certainly were the outcome. Alcohol was not in the picture anywhere and I remember standing in a lineup with my Dad in December to buy a bottle of Rye for Christmas. This was in Kitchener, 23 miles from home, where Dad would drive Mom to do her “Christmas Shopping.”

When I was 14, there were 3 of us who graduated to High School and it was 7 miles away. The majority of the students failed Grade 8 intentionally as they would not travel to school by bus. The bus, a small van, did a total milk run and picked us up at 7:30 so we got to school just as the bell rang. The return trip, we were picked up at the closing bell of the day, and driven home via a long route, dropping off the other students as we travelled. There was no participation in any of the school events or any opportunity for socialization other than during the 45 minute lunch break. I was a total fish out of water and walked the halls to and from lockers, washrooms and wherever I could go to feel invisible all during my Grade 9 year. I truly was terrified. One day in Grade 10 my life changed when one of the popular boys intercepted me in the hall. We very quickly became an item and for the next 3 years we were inseparable. My first experience with alcohol was at a party his parents allowed us to have at their home. I had a drink of Sloe Gin and my first drunk ensued. This was the only time I remember being physically ill but once was enough and I vowed to never drink again! As we were preparing for his Grad, tragedy struck and his younger brother was killed in a train accident. My friend could not cope and of course there was no support for him. He would not speak to me and instead of going to the funeral, I babysat some of his nieces and nephews. I waited on contact for 2 years but it never came.
This was the very first traumatic event I had experienced, and it was one of the many I tried to drown later with my perch on the pitty pot. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to sort events into “things I cannot change and the Courage to change the things I can.”

When did you start drinking?

Enter a new banker in town and I was smitten. This man came from a family heavy into alcoholism and it was a lifestyle that immediately lessened my pain and if I joined the party, I felt totally accepted. I ended up engaged, pregnant, married and a Mom in my 19th year. I also lost the Love of my Life at this point as Dad succumbed to Alzheimer’s. Two months later, my husband accepted a lucrative job offer in Sales but it meant a transfer from Southern Ontario to Prince George. This was the first of many transfers, usually coming 18 to 24 months apart. During this time, it was like being a single Mom who worked full time. I did not have a lot of time or money to drink. My time was totally consumed by Hockey with my Son, Figure Skating with my Daughter and a full time job. I also enjoyed being team Mom for the Hockey teams and the costume maker for the Figure Skating events. The rare occasion when I did drink – it was always a disaster. But at EVERY special occasion, I would get totally wasted.

When and how did your drinking get out of control?

The isolation and insecurity came in with a vengeance. I believe I came to the conclusion that there was no use trying to make friends or to be accepted. Came to a very comfortable perch on the pity-pot. “He” did not appreciate me, I had almost raised
the kids myself, he had extramarital interests, etc., etc. I lost my Mom, he filed for divorce and I realized the kids were almost ready to fly on their own – and I would have no one. I realize now that I was terrified of being alone with good work ethics, but no life skills.

When did you know you had hit bottom?

One evening I took my employers van, played chicken with a cruiser and owned a blood alcohol reading of .32. I was now consuming 40 oz. of Rye per day, my kids did move out, I lost my job and ended up supporting myself by mending horse blankets at the Racetrack in Cloverdale. There is no doubt that I hit bottom on March 6, 1987, when neighbours called my
daughter as they had not seen me for several days. She arrived in heels and a mini skirt directly from work. Of course, I would not answer the door, so she scaled an 8-foot fence and threw a rock through the window to get into the condo. I was insanely drunk as I had finished a 40 oz. bottle and was starting on my second. The phone book was on the table and open to the Yellow Pages and AA. My son arrived to help his sister, they phoned a number listed and it was Great Northern (Basically, the Vancouver Drunk Tank). The ladies did not turn me away because I was drinking and my kids drove me to Vancouver. I can still see and hear that door and the statement – You will have no contact by personal visit or by phone for 5 days. The door closed and I was alone and absolutely devastated to have my only lifeline severed. The incredible blessing was that I had just had my last drink. That was on March 7, 1987.

When did you first hear of A.A. and from what source?

Apparently, there were meetings in Great Northern but I do not remember them and for years swore there were no supports in place. A week or ten days later, I had rented my Townhome, packed most of my belongings into storage, loaded my Mazda 3 and headed for Ontario. I settled in a town about a 2 hour drive from my only relative, an Aunt and Uncle. I could feel semi connected but was far enough away that I would not be judged or criticized. I worked in a Convenience Store for about 6 months and thought I had gained all the knowledge to start my own store. When I look back, I am truly amazed! I wheedled deals from every supplier known to man as well as Contractors to help me create a retail space complete with walk-in
coolers. For the next 11.5 years I worked 15 to 18 hour days, 7 days a week and I now realize that no matter how hard we try, this damn disease will outrun us every time. My Aunt and Uncle were killed in a car accident and it was time to sell the store and return to B.C. and my kids. I thought I was well, cured, happy and successful but I have never been more wrong in my life. This was my emotional bottom.

Where did you go to your first meeting? What did you think of it?

A Gentleman whom I had known for many years, both as a raging Alcoholic and as a very respected sober person, invited me to attend his Sobriety Cake at the Race Track Meeting in Cloverdale. My arrogance told me I could teach these people how to live a
successful life but I knew there was a lot of work to do because they were really messed up. The core members of this group were 4 men who I came to know as my “Table legs” because they totally held me up during the next 2 years. They did not preach, criticize or intimidate me in any way – and for that I am eternally grateful because I believe I would have bolted and never received the true gift of Sobriety.

Can you tell me about your early sobriety, your work through the Steps, and problems you had in those first days of learning the A.A. way?

Sobriety, with any Quality or Serenity, began for me on the 13 Anniversary of my trip to Great Northern Detox. My “Table Legs” convinced me to take a cake because I had not had a drink during that time. Those Gentlemen bought me a beautiful cake which was decorated with two candles, a one and a three, to mark the occasion. The group used a BBQ lighter to light candles – but – there was no way the “3” candle would light given many tries. I believe this was my Higher Power telling me there was no way I was celebrating 13 years – 1 year was more like it. As of that day, I began sharing at that meeting and attending other meetings as well. I realized very early that not only did I have no friends, but I had very few acquaintances – I was kind of a hermit because of my ego. In early Sobriety I was invited to join the committee fort the Fraser Valley Rally and this was a gamechanger for me. It was the first time working in a group and finally realizing I could contribute without being the sole organizer.

Did you have a sponsor when you first came in? What type of sponsorship did you have?

I leaned very heavily on my “Table Legs” and they never let me down. They were like fathers to me and I will forever be grateful for their patience, leadership and love.

Can you recall the formats used at some of these early meetings? How were they run?

The little Race Track meeting was very unstructured and often was more of a Conversation. We always read from the “Big Book” but the meeting itself was more of an open floor.

Which individuals were especially prominent in your sobriety?

There is no doubt the individuals who I believe saved my life were Ernie, Joe, Link and Tom. The gentleman who invited me to join the Fraser Valley Rally (Parm) also encouraged me to take the next step and move from humiliation to involvement.

Would you tell me about your experiences sponsoring others?

It was many years before I adventured into Sponsorship and I believe it was a lack of confidence on my part. I have been given the opportunity to sponsor ladies and believe that I have learned much more than my Sponcee’s.

How and why did you get into service work?

I was nominated/elected to positions as more and varied meetings were being attended. I did not realize at the time that volunteers were not easy to recruit and the nominations certainly fed my ego and positions were accepted for all the wrong
reasons.

What service positions have you held? 

Treasurer of several meetings, Board of Directors of the Alano Club, Office Manager of Intergroup and Committee member for Special Events.

What special occasions do you recall during your time of A.A. service?

The most profound occasion will forever be my 13 year cake when that candle would not light. I believe that was the first time ever I felt Humility rather than Humiliation. Secondly, would be my first Fraser Valley Rally because I think I was learning to be one of a committee rather than the Leader of the Committee. World Conferences are magical. Today I am able to just participate – what a freedom!!!! Every gathering is now special for me as there is no one at any of the event that I will need to impress. That allows me to just be myself – and it seems that I have found myself.

How has A.A. changed (if it has) since you first found it?

I don’t think A.A. has changed as much as I have changed. Yes, the meeting times are earlier, dual addiction is much more prevalent, there are so many more meetings – but the basic program has not changed.